FAMILY MATTERS WEEK 1

PRIMARY SCRIPTURE

James 3:1-12

SECONDARY SCRIPTURE

Proverbs 16:32

TEACHING PREP

The short overview below is designed to help you prepare for your lesson. While you may not want to convey this information word-for-word with your teenagers, you’ll definitely want to refer to it as you lead your lesson.

Read James 3:1-12.

The book of James is filled with wisdom that can help people become mature, healthy followers of Jesus. One of James’ recurring themes is taming the tongue; it’s an extension of his broader emphasis on demonstrating our faith through our actions.

Some people read these verses in chapter 3 and conclude that James is telling us that it’s a lost cause—there’s no way to tame the tongue. But when read in the context of the entire letter, we discover that James is saying that change comes as we draw near to God. It isn’t something we make happen on our own. Even then, we will still make mistakes with our words, and we have the opportunity to seek forgiveness from the people we offend or hurt.

Obviously, this is a challenge for teenagers. Let’s be honest—it’s a challenge for most adults, too! As much as possible, remind your students of the positive power of the tongue: Our words can encourage and support others. Ask about ways that your students have received encouragement and support from friends and family members. This will positively reinforce the kind of behavior James discusses—more blessing and praising in our words.

Special notes for this series

It’s possible that your small group includes teenagers who don’t have brothers or sisters—or who come from blended families with stepbrothers and stepsisters. For students without siblings, focus on the benefits of watching our words in all of life’s relationships—friends, classmates, family members, people at church, and so on. If students come from blended families, they still have sibling dynamics, but it’s important to be aware that there could be extra “baggage” surrounding stepparents and divorce.

When you talk about family, ugly stuff can come to the surface. This is OK; that’s why we’re talking about this topic in the safe setting of a small group. We’ve found that it’s best to focus on solutions and individual responsibility rather than joining in when a student complains about family members. While you may feel like you are building a bridge by identifying or agreeing with a student, you may be working to break down the family if you take sides or criticize parents or other family members.

THE BEFORE & AFTER [optional]

Text Message Questions

We’ve provided a couple of different text message questions to send out to your students prior to your meeting. Feel free to use one or both of the questions below. As with the rest of the curriculum, edit these questions to fit the needs of your ministry.

What are the joys and pains of having brothers and sisters? Let’s talk about it tonight at small group.

Can you think of some famous sets of brothers or sisters? Come up with some names, and then join us for small group tonight!

Parent Email

We’ve provided you with an email below that you can send to your parents following the lesson. Our hope is to encourage parents to continue the conversation at home. Feel free to edit and customize the email to fit your ministry needs.

Dear parents,

This week our small groups began a three-week series called “Family Matters.” In our first lesson, we focused on James 3:1-12 and the importance of self-control in the words we speak.

We talked with our students about the positive power of the tongue—we receive encouragement and support from positive words from friends and family members. We encouraged our teenagers to practice self-control with their brothers and sisters, particularly with the words they use.

This week, I’d encourage you to spend some time talking with your teenager about our lesson. Here are some questions you might want to incorporate:

Why does it seem like so many people have challenges getting along with their brothers and sisters?
How have someone else’s words encouraged you recently? Why did those words make such a difference?
What would family members, friends, and neighbors think if they saw you speaking more positively or getting along with your brothers or sisters more than you currently do?

Thanks for allowing your teenager to be involved in our small group ministry. Have a blessed week!

Family Matters

Week 1: Practicing Self-Control With Brothers and Sisters

2. LESSON GUIDE

GETTING THINGS STARTED [optional]

Consider showing the “Charlie Bit Me” YouTube video as you begin the lesson. You can find this 56-second video by typing “Charlie bit me” in the search bar at YouTube.com.

Welcome your students and invite them into your meeting area. Open in prayer, show the video on a laptop or desktop computer, and then ASK:

What does the “Charlie” video say to you about sibling rivalry?
Has anything as funny as this ever happened in your family? If so, tell us about it.
Why does it seem like so many people have challenges getting along with their brothers and sisters?

If you choose to not use this video or if you don’t have Internet access at your meeting location, ASK:

Who are some famous brothers and sisters that you can think of, and why are they famous?
What do you notice about the relationship between these famous siblings? What words would you use to describe their relationship?
Do they interact differently from how you interact with your brothers and sisters, or how your friends interact with their brothers and sisters? Or do they interact similarly? Explain.

After your discussion, SAY SOMETHING LIKE: It’s not always easy to get along with our brothers and sisters. They bother us, bug us, and often make us angry and frustrated. Although getting along with our brothers and sisters can be a challenge, God invites us as followers of Jesus to be a reflection of him to our friends, teachers, neighbors, strangers, and family. So, today we’re going to tackle the tough topic of practicing self-control with our brothers and sisters—especially when it comes to our words.

If you came up with an opening activity, movie clip, or game that worked well with your group, and you’d like to share it with other youth workers, please email us at ideas@simplyyouthministry.com.

TEACHING POINTS

The goal of the Teaching Points is to help students capture the essence of each lesson with more discussion and less lecture-style teaching. The main points we have chosen here are (1) Your words affect the people around you, (2) Your self-control pleases God, and (3) Practice self-control around brothers and sisters.

Remember: All throughout these lessons, it’s up to you to choose (1) how many questions you use, and (2) the wording of the main points—keep ours, or change the wording to make it clearer for your audience.

Read James 3:1-12 together as a group. Consider allowing one or more of the teenagers to read the text.

SAY SOMETHING LIKE: Let’s spend a few minutes seeing what we can learn from this passage from the New Testament.

1. Your words affect the people around you

ASK:

Think of the last time your words helped calm a situation. Why did they have this effect?
Now think of the last time your words made a bad situation even worse. How could you have handled the situation differently?
How have someone else’s words encouraged you recently? Why did those words make such a difference?
These verses from James 3 offer several illustrations of the power of our words. Which illustration do you like most, and why?

SAY SOMETHING LIKE: When you use nice, encouraging, positive words, people tend to respond positively, right? And when you use mean, discouraging, negative words, people tend to respond negatively. That’s how powerful your words are! When you think about it, it’s amazing that something as simple as the words you use can have a powerful, positive impact on another person’s life.

2. Your self-control pleases God

ASK:

How would you define “self-control”?
How do you know if a person has self-control? What evidence will you see?
Why do you think God wants us to develop self-control? Why does self-control please God?

SAY SOMETHING LIKE: When we demonstrate self-control, we are doing the same thing Jesus did. He faced many situations when he could have chosen to lash out against people who ignored the needy, thought they were superior to everyone else, and talked about Jesus behind his back. But Jesus chose to practice self-control.

3. Practice self-control around brothers and sisters

ASK:

How do you normally respond when a brother or sister “pushes your buttons?” Why do you tend to react that way?
When someone outside of your family does this, do you typically respond the same way? Why or why not?
How could you make things right after losing control with your brother or sister? What are some good, healthy ideas for repairing any damage you’ve done?
This Teaching Point contains the word “practice.” How can practicing self-control help you become better at demonstrating self-control more consistently?

SAY SOMETHING LIKE: We often struggle to control what we say to the people that live under the same roof as us. A key to getting along with brothers and sisters is exercising self-control over our tongues. If we react negatively or make a snide comment each time we are provoked or irritated, we fuel a fire that isn’t easily extinguished. It’s also important to say the right things when we DO hurt a family member with our words. We can apologize, seek forgiveness, and talk about any underlying reasons we got mad.

ADDITIONAL DISCUSSION [optional]

Ask each student to find a partner. Have each pair search through the book of Proverbs to find verses that talk about the power and impact of our words—either positive or negative. Chapters 10 through 21 have some of the best gems to mine. Consider assigning one or two chapters to each group. Give your students about five minutes for this activity, and then bring everyone back together and ask each pair to report its findings.

After students talk about their verses, ASK:

Which verse surprised you the most, and why?

Which verse would help you as you strive to practice self-control with your words, and why?

Do you feel like you’re doing all you can do to help create peace in your family? Explain.

What do you think is the connection between showing self-control to your family and showing it to other people?

Read Proverbs 16:32. Why is it “better to be patient than powerful”?

Does responding in anger ever make the problem better or the pain go away? If it feels good at the moment but isn’t a long-term answer, then why do we often settle for a lack of self-control?

APPLICATION

ASK:

What would family members, friends, and neighbors think if they saw you speaking more positively or getting along with your brothers or sisters more than you currently do?

What is one thing you can do differently this week in order to get along better with your brothers and sisters?

Next time your anger buttons are triggered, how can you practice self-control? What are some immediate ways you can respond and react without using words that hurt or words that make things worse?

SUMMARY

End your small group lesson here. Provide your teenagers with a quick summary or take-home challenge based on (1) the content of this lesson, (2) the dialogue that took place during the lesson, (3) your understanding of the issues and struggles your teenagers are facing, and (4) the big picture of your youth ministry and what your leadership team wants accomplished with the teaching and discussion time.

FOR KEEPS [MEMORY VERSE]

Encourage and/or challenge your teenagers to memorize the verse below.

Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city (Proverbs 16:32).